October

 Dear Friends,

Thankyou ever so much for your kind comments and encouragement. I have decided to continue this blog, and share with you a monthly update on my life. Since I last wrote, I returned to Australia due to severe pain in the right side of my head caused by an infection in my sinuses. I was unsuccessfully prescribed a course of antibiotics, and have since been placed on the waiting list for surgery. Apparently it could be ‘between several months and a few years’ before this half hour operation can occur, so in the meantime I have been organising my unsettled life.

I started making plans for the future, tired of living for the moment in this wonderfully fleeting career. I contemplated the options, and rather than continuing to model indefinitely I enrolled for university next year as a full time student. Somehow I neglected to include my boyfriend in any of these decisions, and realised it had been months since we had spoken. I wondered when he would next call me, and when I took the time to think about it I realised how little I cared. I was faced with the difficult task of ending a relationship that no longer existed. We agreed to focus on our careers, and after many years together that was the end.

I was surprised by my own indifference and independence, and ironically the emotions of this very serious relationship were nothing compared to a brief and passionate romance that followed. Everything about this new man was wrong, we were totally different, the circumstances were complicated, and we were certainly unable to provide each other with commitment. The last time I had seen him was the day we met, almost a year ago. The next week I started modelling in Korea and he left for Spain, so we lost contact. Now I wondered if he still lived nearby, and feeling impulsive I decided to visit him.

I always revered him as one of the greatest ballroom dancers, and as we were once again in the same country I hoped to get to know him better. During our time together we became close friends, and although we knew better than to become involved, the attraction was inevitable. One unforgettable waltz later, our whirlwind romance was out of my control. Those enchanting weeks together were foreshadowed by the impending demand of our busy lives, and less than a month later it was all over. There was no discussion or pretence, only solemn understanding of our situation.

The instability of life in this industry can be somewhat desensitising as models are repeatedly confronted with choices between money and morals, work and relationships, and our friends are regularly exported and replaced. So I learned to appreciate every moment with the people I love and always question, what did I do that made today worth living?

What did you do that made today worth living?