Good News Week

Monday, February 1 8.30pm

Ross Noble shamelessly takes over TEN tonight, warming up with a star turn on the Good News Week panel, before his headlining act – The Australian Trip. The Bondi Rescue lifeguards would be wise to watch out – Ross Noble is coming, and who knows what program he might set out to conquer next.

Never ones to be upstaged, rested from their Christmas breaks and finally recovered from the Good News Week Award Celebrations, Paul McDermott, Claire Hooper and Mikey Robins have brushed up on their sparkling repartee and return for this new term at school.

Completing the panel line up and boosting numbers for the girls is the ever popular stand up comedienne Corinne Grant.

[updated]

Finally the last days of summer programming are getting nearer, with Ten releasing their programming line up for Week 6, commencing Sunday January 31, 2010. Week 6 is actually the last week of summer non ratings but typically both Ten and Seven tend to start many shows a week early in an attempt to capture audiences first. Nine, on the other had, with the Winter Olympics looming on Feb 12 are not likely to air any of their key 2010 titles until after the Olympics, which finish on Feb 26.

Shows returning that week to Ten include The Biggest Loser (it is just me, or have they really been trying to make that look and sound like Masterchef? – there will even be a Biggest Loser Masterclass this year, most likely to air 7.30 Friday nights like the original Mastercehf Masterclass did), So You Think You Can Dance Australia (which is on for a massive six and a half hours that week), Good News Week, Burn Notice, House, Medium. Army Wives also returns, but in a very late night timeslot. The 7pm Project, as well as its late night repeat remain for that week.

Here is the program breakdown:

Sunday Jan 31:
6.00 Simpsons
6.30 Biggest Loser season premiere
7.30 So You Think You Can Dance Australia season premiere
9.00 House season premiere
11.00 Movie: Star Wars: The Phantom Menace

Mon – Fri from Feb 1
6.00 Simpsons
6.30 Neighbours
7.00 7pm Project

Monday Feb 1
7.30 Biggest Loser
8.30 Good News Week season premiere
10.00 Ross Noble’s Australian Road Trip premiere

Tuesday Feb 2
7.30 Biggest Loser
8.00 So You Think You Can Dance Australia
9.30 NCIS Rpt

Wednesday Feb 3
7.30 Biggest Loser
8.00 So You Think You Can Dance Australia
9.30 Burn Notice premiere

Thursday Feb 4
7.30 Biggest Loser
8.00 So You Think You Can Dance Australia
10.00 Medium season premiere

Friday Feb 5
7.30 Biggest Loser
9.00 NCIS Rpt, 2 eps
11.00 Outrageous Fortune

Saturday Feb 6
6.00 Simpsons
6.30 Movie. Star Wars: Attack of the Clones
9.35 movie: Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith

Late night on Ten includes Ten News with Sports Tonight, followed by the 7pm Project Late, followed by the Late Show with David Letterman. News starts at 11.00 Mon, 10.30 Tue, 10.30 Wed, 11.00 Thur and 11.30 Friday. Army Wives will air at 12.30am Tuesday night (Wed morning if you prefer it that way!).

Programming information: Tv Tonight.

Monday November 23 8.30pm

Sharp satire, a plethora of parody, acid tongued wit and a good dose of laughs – it can only be Australia’s premier politically incorrect Awards ceremony – the Good News Week Awards. Anyone who made the news this year had better beware, as Paul McDermott, Mikey Robins and Claire Hooper aren’t afraid to shame them in the name of good humour.

Politicians, celebrities, journalists, sportsmen and world leaders are all at the mercy of the Good News Week Team, and their inaugural Awards.

They are joined by a veritable Who’s Who of Australian Comedic Royalty including Cal Wilson, Tom Gleeson, Peter Berner, Julia Morris, Tim Ferguson, Josh Thomas, Frank Woodley, Fiona O’Loughlin, Colin Lane, Corrinne Grant and Wil Anderson.

The six awards categories leave no stone unturned in awarding and rewarding the best of the worst of 2009′s news.

Monday November 16 8.30pm

Comedian, playwright, director, best selling author, and arguably the busiest British man in showbusiness, Ben Elton joins the Good News Week panel. Fresh from the opening of his latest musical on London’s west end, “Phantom 2”, Elton will be ready to sharpen his wit on the big news stories of the week.

Joining him is stand up queen Kitty Flanagan armed with her trademark perky, offbeat anecdotes, With Princess of Pop Britney Spears in town this week for her arena tours, there’s every chance that in homage, Kitty could belt out her famous ode to Britney, all about her tragic affliction to Underpants Alzehimer’s.

Monday November 9 8.30pm

The countdown to the country’s most unforgiving Awards ceremony is on. Politicians, celebrities, journalists, sportsmen and world leaders are at the mercy of the Good News Week Team and their inaugural Awards.

This week the nominees for the Picture of the Year Award are announced. What images captured our attention in 2009 and just deserve to be rewarded?

Back to usual business the show must go on, and joining the panel this week for another round of fun and frivolities are: Fresh from the final ever episode of much loved Aussie drama All Saints, actress Virginia Gay dusts away the tears and gets ready for some Good News Week laughs.

Headlining UK comedian John Moloney is back in Australia and back on the panel.

Eternal naughty boy Wil Anderson is back with no doubt many shameless plugs like this for the release of his upcoming DVD Wilography.

First Lady of Australian Comedy Julia Morris brings her own touch of class to proceedings.

For the final week of the ratings year, Ten have a big week lined up with a collection of season finales and Christmas specials – yes – Christmas specials – one month early!

Here is the summary.

1. Sunday Nov 22 6.30pm. Talkin’ ‘Bout Your Generation Christmas Special. Shaun Micallef is back to find out which generation knows the most about Christmas. Baby Boomers a represented by resident panellist Amada Keller and guest Denise Scott – comedian. Gen X sees Charlie Pickering join forces with Nova radio presenter Dylan Lewis while Gen Y feature Josh Thomas being joined again by Ruby Rose.

2. Sunday Nov 22 7.30pm. It’s the Grand Final of Australia Idol for 2009 live from the Sydney Opera House. The final two take to the stage to see who will be crowned the winner for 2009. This year’s 12 Idols will be there as will last years’ winner Wes Carr and Guy Sebastian – the first Australian Idol. Guests include Michael Buble, Mika, Jordin Sparks and of course Ricki-Lee Coulter.

3. Monday Nov 23 7.30pm. Rove Presents: Hamish and Andy Regifted, Another Very Early Christmas Special. All of Hamish and Andy’s favourite bits for the year will be nicely packaged up into this somewhat early Christmas special.

4. Monday Nov 23 8.30pm. Good News Week season finale where the years’ Good News Week Awards will be announced.

5. Tuesday Nov 24 7.30pm. Celebrity Masterchef Semi Final 3. The four remaining contestants face the infamous croquembouche – but this one made even more complex than the one we saw in the original Master chef with a chocolate swirl incorporated. One contestant will be eliminated.

6. Wednesday Nov 25 7.30pm. Two hour Celebrity Masterchef finale. The three remaining contestants take part in a three part challenge. Round 1 is the taste test where they must identify as many ingredients as possible in a dish. Round 2 is a dessert only invention test while round 3 is the final challenge where they must recreate a dish from Andrew McConnell (2010 The Age Good Food Guide).

7. Thursday Nov 26 7.30pm. Season finale of Glee, with season 1, episode 10. Glee will return in 2010.

8. Thursday Nov 26 8.30pm. Two hour season finale of Rush. Rush will return in 2010.

9. NCIS is on as usual Tue Nov 24 8.30pm, followed by Lie To Me at 9.30. NCIS:LA is not on that week (Wed Nov 25). A new series called White Collar premieres 9.30 Wed Nov 25.

7pm Project and Neighbours of course remain on at their usual times.

So that is it for Ten in the last week of the official ratings period. The following week – week 49 starting November 29 will see a very different line up on Ten as well as all channels as free to air TV dives into the annual TV waste land of summer television.

Monday November 2 8.30pm

The 2009 GNW Award Nominations Have Started!

Go to ten.com.au/gnw to vote for your favourite moments of the year. Nominees for the RELIGION category are:

• Pope Benedict the 16th for re-instating a bishop who’s a Holocaust denier, and posing the question: “In the C20th, what contributed most to the emancipation of women?” The answer: The Washing Machine

• The Scientologists for claiming their Church “had been subject to relentless ridicule and misinformation” and calling for religious vilification to be a prison offence.

• Catch The Fire Ministries leader Danny Nalliah for blaming the Victorian bushfires on the state’s abortion laws and claiming that Parliament House is being cursed by baby-sacrificing witches.

• The Islamic extremist magazine “Jihad Recollections” which among many wonderful things, contains fitness tips for terrorists.

Monday October 26 8.30pm

THE 2009 GNW AWARD NOMINATIONS HAVE STARTED!

Go to ten.com.au/gnw to vote for your favourite moments of the year.

Nominees for the ENTERTAINMENT category are:
• Clare “Chk Chk Boom” Werbeloff, for services to fat wogs, skinny wogs & their fully sick boys.
• Twitter, which continues to prove every day that opposable thumbs are not a right, they’re a privilege.
• Our friends at the ABC, who were too stupid, lazy or incompetent to do their job, & yet hung The Chaser out to dry for doing theirs.
• Richard Wilkins after Michael Jackson’s passing announced that Jeff Goldblum was dead too and then played a montage of Jacko which finished with “We can’t wait to see what he comes up with next.”

AND THE GOOD NEWS:

CLINTON’S ORAL HISTORY DOESN’T SUCK

According to a new book, former Russian president Boris Yeltsin once got so drunk in Washington he was found outside the White House trying to hail a taxi to go and buy a pizza. Bill Clinton would have sent one of his interns to get the pizza but she couldn’t find her underpants. Luckily Hilary wasn’t around – imagine the carnage if she’d heard “the president’s making a run for it in his underpants!” Remember the good ol’ days of Yeltsin? If only Vladimir Putin drank this heavily, Russia could have been 150 countries by now.

The incident comes from a new book called The Clinton Tapes – an oral history, which surprisingly doesn’t suck.

AND THAT’S THE GOOD NEWS!

Monday October 19 8.30pm

LIBERALS IN FRENZY ABOUT REFUGEES FLEEING WAR ZONES

THIS IS GOD’S COUNTRY BUT WHETHER YOU’RE WELCOME DEPENDS ON WHICH GOD GOT YOU HERE.

Can you hear that annoying high pitched wining sound? That’s the Liberal party shrieking about the gigantic surge of asylum seekers coming to Australia. A terrifying 30 boats have arrived this year alone, no doubt throwing their children overboard on their way over. Liberal immigration spokeswoman Sharman Stone, said Australia now had a completely out of control back door… (don’t tell the Christians). The opposition wants to reverse the so-called “pull factor” by sending a message to frighten off the boats like a skull on a stick, or a warning buoy painted in fresh blood or Kyle Sandilands in a dinghy with a mega-phone.

According to acting opposition leader Julie Bishop, 1300 illegals arrive in just 9 months – that’s 5 a day. CHAOS!

Some would argue if we can’t process one person every 4 hours and 48 minutes, perhaps we need to put on more staff who speak the language, the dilemma being where would we find them!? And while the Liberals shoot their fingers at refugees fleeing war zones they choose not to mention the 300 Catholics from last year’s popa palooza who overstayed their Visas and can’t be found. This is God’s country but whether you’re welcome depends on which God got you here.

NEW GNW SEGMENT ANNOUNCED: “COME ON CHRISTIANS”

HOPEFULLY NOW THOSE FIELDING MOTHER-FIELDERS WILL SHUT THE FIELD UP

To combat what’s believed to be plummeting TV standards, the Australian Christian Lobby has launched a new campaign called Tame the Tube.

They’re demanding less smut and swearing on TV, but without smut and swearing Good News Week would be nothing more than prepositions.

GNW couldn’t be moved to a later slot either because they find the word slot offensive.

Despite a lot of swear words already being banned from television, the lobby are still greatly disappointed words such as tit, flaps, scrotum, vulva, copulate, fellatio, buttocks and Daryl Somers can still be said without sensor. So from now on every time someone has a dirty joke, GNW will replace it with the word fielding so hopefully now those fielding mother fielders will shut the field up. But maybe Good News Week should be friends with the Jesus lovers – after all, they came back from the dead too.

AND THAT’S THE GOOD NEWS!

This week Mikey, Claire and Paul are joined by Liz Ellis, Tom Gleeson and Corinne Grant.

Monday October 12 8.30pm

EXCLUSIVE ANNOUNCEMENT OF NEW NAME FOR NATIONAL RUGBY LEAGE (NRL)

“GRUNT GRUNT FIGHT GRUNT GRUNT SKANKS GRUNT PISSED GRUNT… SORRY”

THE NATIONAL RUGBY LEAGUE has been so badly damaged by a litany of off-field scandals there are calls for the game to trade under a new name (because clearly the name is the problem). And while rebranding would be hugely expensive, it’s still cheaper than teaching the players not to act like in-bred Vikings on ice. The idea is rather than actually improving anything they’ll just call it something different – like when Telecom became Telstra, the DSS became CentreLink and John Howard became Kevin Rudd. Happily the NRL itself has come up with the perfect suggestion. We can reveal exclusively that the new name for the NRL will be “GRUNT GRUNT FIGHT GRUNT GRUNT SCANKS GRUNT PISSED GRUNT… SORRY”.

SEARCH FOR MISS CHICO ROLL

THE CHICO ROLL first appeared in 1951 at the Wagga Wagga show – it was designed to be eaten with one hand while holding a beer with the other and make any red blooded Aussie bloke feel he has the stomach of an ox and the testicles of a bull… which are also the main ingredients. The organisers are looking for someone who embodies everything we love about the Aussie girl – fun, cheeky and down to earth. They also want someone who embodies everything we love about Chico Rolls – barely covered, salty and at some point has been on every lap, of every truck driver in Australia. Firm favourite for the Chico crown is the chk chk boom girl.

FEATHER PLUCKING MOTHER PLOVERS

SPRING has sprung, and with it the brutal head wounds of dive bombing birds. Every day there’s a chance of a demented bird squawking and going for your throat, it’s a bit like being a reporter outside the court during an underbelly trial. The females are decorating their baby’s nest so this is the worst time to wear a feather in your hat – unless you want to be bombed by a feather plucking mother plover.

AND THAT’S THE GOOD NEWS!

This week Mikey, Claire and Paul are joined by Stephen K. Amos and Fiona O’Loughlin.